'Romano' could be Swiss: It's cheesy and full of holes

All right, now that we've gotten rid of those three people, it's time to level with the rest of you about "Corky Romano": The event mentioned in the first paragraph is as funny as this movie gets.

Usually, "SNL" movies spring from skits ("It's Pat," "Stuart Saves His Family") that aren't quite substantial enough to entertain an audience for 90 minutes. "Corky Romano" doesn't fall into this category, but that's only because this material wasn't even funny enough to fill an "SNL" skit.

Kattan, who did a little better in 1998's "A Night at the Roxbury," does all he can to try and hold this sinking ship together. The elfish screwball is constantly bouncing around like he's got fire ants in his pants, twisting his face into Jim Carrey-ish contortions, and screaming bad renditions of 1980s songs.

Maybe with the right vehicle, the talented Kattan could rise to Carrey's level. On the other hand, maybe with some Ritalin, Kattan could function in a regular job in everyday society.

We'll leave those questions for the future, but for now we'll deal with "Corky Romano," the dumbest mob comedy since Rodney Dangerfield's dreadful "The Godson" three years ago.

The title character is an assistant veterinarian who wishfully covers up the word "assistant" on his name tag, imagining with a huge smile that he's a genuine vet.

When his boss goes on vacation, Corky's left to run the hospital himself, allowing for a not-as-funny-as-it-should-be sequence in which he bumbles around with animals, at one point pulling a live snake out of his pants.

Later we learn that Corky was born into a Mafia family, but was kicked out because he wasn't cut out for the business. He's pulled back in because his father is about to be indicted, and the family needs him to pose as an FBI agent to infiltrate the bureau and destroy the evidence.

In this world, that task is easier to accomplish than it sounds. After a few keypunches on the computer by a mob hacker, Corky is the bureau's latest superagent. His agent name is Pissant (it's French).

You can guess the rest. Corky bumbles around, screwing up cases and getting out of rough situations with his quirky charm.

Other jokes revolve around Corky's aggressive brothers, one who can't read, and one who is - get ready to fall over laughing - gay!

Corky, who at one point dresses up as a Girl Scout, appears to be stereotypically homosexual as well, but we're led to believe otherwise because a way-too-hot fellow agent, Kate Russo (Vinessa Shaw), takes a liking to him. 'Cause, see, the main character can only seem gay. He can't actually be gay.

In either case, "Corky Romano" still wouldn't be funny.

* Contact Phil Villarreal at 573-4130 or prv@azstarnet.com.